The Expectations vs. Reality of Motherhood: Navigating the Challenges of Motherhood and Learning How to Reclaim Yourself

Motherhood can feel a million different ways.  It can feel joyous, overwhelming, transformative, meaningful, rewarding…and it can also feel exhausting, lonely, depressing, and suffocating.  Bearing and raising children are one of life’s biggest gifts. It also means that life will never be the same. The demands of motherhood can overshadow one’s own ambitions, interests and dreams - causing many to struggle in silence.  Over the years, traditional roles have changed somewhat, allowing for women to be more independent, autonomous, career-oriented - taking into consideration her own timelines in conjunction with raising children. However, despite the changes, many continue to struggle with finding a balance, often continuing to feel the pressure of putting everyone else’s needs (their children, partner, family members, etc) ahead of their own. In my experience as a therapist who has worked with many women/parents over the years, I can easily say that the biggest issues I see amongst women are rising mental health issues, substance use/abuse (mostly alcohol), relationship strain and health issues.

It’s time we talk about this!

Moms - can you relate?  Motherhood can be amazing. But we don’t talk enough about how hard it can be.  We don’t tell many people when we are really struggling.  Why?  Because we are supposed to have it all together.  We are supposed to be grateful for our beautiful families.  It’s taboo to say out loud (and here, I’m going to say it…) that sometimes the reality of being a mother is not as wonderful and gratifying as we thought it would be and that sometimes (eeek) we might not even enjoy motherhood at all.  Many women I see won’t ever say this out loud for fear of being “mom shamed” or judged by others - but I hear it often within the four walls of my therapy room.

If you are one of the women out there who secretly struggles with being a mom, it’s important to understand (1) why you might be feeling that way and (2) ways that you can help re-prioritize yourself without feeling guilty or that you are selfishly abandoning those who rely on you, including your children.

Let’s first look at why motherhood can be challenging.  Here are some of the more obvious things that impact the mental wellbeing of moms that we talk about a lot:

• Fatigue

• Changes in hormones

• Feelings of overwhelm

• Constant worry

• Carrying the mental load

• Physical changes during and post-pregnancy

These are fairly straightforward.  But there are some other deeper issues that come into play as women navigate the waters of motherhood, such as:

• Navigating a loss of identity - As they shift into the role of “mom”, many experience a loss of their former self, as being a caretaker takes center stage. They struggle with having to live in a new world, one which doesn’t give them a lot of time for themselves.  This can be difficult after having years of experience being an independent, autonomous person. It cab feel as though after having children, their hobbies, career goals and even relationships need to take a back seat.  And in reality - when you become a parent, you DO have to adjust to this new role. But can’t we also keep that part of ourselves that can still enjoy being an individual with those same aspirations and dreams, too?

• Effects on self-esteem - Moms everywhere are part of the “rat race” of trying to be the perfect mother. They compare themselves to other moms.  They feel that they have to regain their pre-pregnancy weight/body type, within five minutes of having a baby.  They deal with the views of others who have (sometimes unsolicited) opinions on whether they should stay home or work, how they should parent, whether they should breastfeed, if they should sleep train, what foods they should feed their kids, what rules their kids should have, etc…list goes on and on.  This becomes a breeding ground for “mom guilt”.

• Stress of balancing multiple worlds - The decision to work or not after becoming a parent, is easier for some than others. Women who choose to work after becoming mothers are having to navigate their work and parental identities which can be very challenging.  They may face judgment, as if they are choosing their career over being a caregiver.  Their employers may not be understanding when they need time off to care for their children. Moreover, women tend to become caregivers for their aging parents as well, adding another dimension of responsibility and expectation. Trying to balance these multiple roles and responsibilities can easily become overwhelming and leave even less space for autonomy.

• Maintaining a connection to your partner - Oh yes, we mentioned children, work and needs of other family members - but forgot to mention the woman’s partner.  Often, these relationships take a backseat once that little one arrives.  Far too often, I work with women who look at their partners once their child goes off to college, and wonder “who the hell are you”.  Years go by with not a lot of priority put on maintaining that connection because of the other 1,000 things that need to get done on a daily basis. Sound familiar?

Now, attention moms… let’s talk about how to reclaim yourself!  You CAN be a fabulous mother while also prioritizing yourself and getting back to yourself!  Let’s think of it like a old friend that you are reconnecting with.

1. Take some time to reacquaint yourself with your pre-child(ren) self.  When you have a quiet moment (which I know can be hard to get!), sit quietly, close your eyes and think about who you were before becoming a mom. What did you think about then?  What were your goals?  What did you have in your life that made you happy at that time?  When you get a picture of that, take a little time to journal about it. Putting words on paper can be powerful. This is a first step to reconnecting with your pre-mom self.

   
   

2. Make a list of the things you would like to (re)introduce into your life. NOTE - It doesn’t matter if you think it’s realistic now or not - just write it all down. This might be things like spending more time with friends, taking that art class you once thought about, having fun date nights with your partner or taking a 20-minute walk every morning. When you’re done, look at that list and choose ONE THING that you think you could realistically fit back into your life. Yes, it might mean that your partner has to be the one to put the kids to bed or it might mean that you have to rearrange your schedule a bit…but commit to doing one thing on that list.  AND REMEMBER: THIS IS A GIFT YOU ARE GIVING YOURSELF.

   
   

3. See how it feels to do this one thing.  This is a step in the direction of getting back to that part of yourself that you thought you lost.  This is empowerment, my friends.  It is a powerful tool and can guide you back to feeling joy, happiness and peace. Take the feeling in and remember it.  It will always be there, it has always been there, and now you can work on making that more of a part of yourself again.

   
   

4. Talk to other moms.  Don’t be afraid to share how you are truly feeling with those who you trust. They typically will not judge us like we think they will. In fact, you saying how you feel might give your friend permission to do the same.  Women helping women - what’s better than that!

   
   

5. Set boundaries for yourself and be assertive. Think of this like building a safety net around you. What do you need to feel safe, ok, satisfied?  Do you have a friend or loved one who calls and never asks you how you are doing, but rather only asks about the kids?  Do you have a partner who you feel doesn’t see how exhausted you are?  Do you have a relative who comes by to visit without asking your schedule first?  These are all examples of situations where you can tell others what you need and be assertive.  Yes, you are a mom but you are still a human being with feelings and needs.  Those around you will often be happy you said something and willing to give you what you need.

   
   

6. Set outside support. Taking an hour a week for your own therapy, or to attend a moms support group, can be invaluable. Knowing you are not alone in this fight to get back to yourself can be so transformative.  Creating a little space for yourself feels good.

   
   

7. Eventually, things will get better if you keep taking steps…little by little. You don’t need to change everything in one day. In fact, trying to change too much at once usually proves unsuccessful for most people. Think of it has building blocks. Each block you build, helps. Maybe day one, it is simply taking a shower. Just start somewhere.

And hey - this rollercoaster of motherhood never ends….from the time our children enter our lives, we don’t stop caring for them.  Even when they are 30 or 40, we will worry.  Now is a great time to set yourself up for balancing your life with theirs.   Making that space to continually attend to your own mental and physical wellbeing, will make you better able to manage all of those other responsibilities.  And you’ll feel more in control. Prouder of yourself. Happier in your own skin. Empowered.  Most of all - your children will see this and you will become a model for how they manage their own lives.  What a gift, right?

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Interested in learning more about my work?  Visit my website: www.kgoodrichtherapy.com.  I currently offer in-person therapy in beautiful, historic Clinton, NJ as well as virtual therapy for NJ, PA and FL residents.